I Don’t Want to Hear It . . . but tell me anyway.


Reality has set in.  I am fat.  I look at pictures of myself and I want to look at skinny me, not fat me.  I can list all the phrases I don’t want to hear but I have done that and I’m still in the same place. 

I have so many things to lose weight for; me, my clothes, my health, my self-esteem, my energy, my lack of sleep.  All of these things should be a constant reminder but somehow, always, I lose focus.  

Its hard to know that my lack of focus and my forgetting is in part due to my mental illness.  I try try try to push past the walls that have been a result  of this but sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel (RIP Snowball).  How do I break this vicious cycle?!!!  I am so frustrated!!!


Now that the weather is warmer I’ll be taking more walks with Shakespeare and walking to work.  Walking to and from work is a great way to get extra miles on my FitBit and burn extra calories.  This morning I got my Brita up and running which will encourage me to drink more water.  




These pictures are then and now: my thinnest, back in 2007 and my heaviest in 2014.  Looking at these pics makes me sad bc of what I have become but I know I can back to my low weight (which wasn’t even THAT low).  The difference is my size is startling.  How can I get back here?



Thank you, as always, for your support!


Peace & Love, 




Doubling Up!

Good morning all!

Well, I missed my Bikram classes this weekend soooooo . . . I will have to do doubles at some point to make them up. 🙂
At this point I have 3 classes to make up (Don’t think I can make it today either). I figure I can do AM class and then a PM class and I’ll still meet my 30 day goal – or really my 30 class goal.
Since I have a year membership, I cannot sign up for the official 30 day challenge because upon completion they award you a free month. Since I’m not eligible for a free month I get to make my own rules which works better for my schedule.

Some of you have been telling me that you want to join me for a yoga class. DO IT! Not only will you be supporting me, which I totally appreciate, but you will be doing something good for yourself. This is something I’ve been working on in my life is making time for what is important. Yoga is important and I’m making time to do it every day. Naturally things come up which I can’t control but making up classes is a good way to stay on track. I’m aiming to make up my missed classes this week since snacking is a problem again. 😦

I crave sweets after meals. I’ve been trying lollipops to ease the cravings but its just not doing it. Walking to the corner store is much easier now that its gotten, not much, but a little warmer out. I do have healthy snacks in the house but none of them contain chocolate which is what I generally want. I realize moderation is key so maybe I should buy a dark chocolate bar and keep it in the house so I can enjoy one piece each night. NOT A WHOLE BAR! Maybe I can try Tootsie Roll pops since they have that chocolate center.

Eating healthy is so hard for me. I can control myself at meals but once the meal is over I am on the hunt for something sweet. This is why I’m so resistant to quitting smoking bc I feel like if I quit then the smoking will be replaced by food intake, something I can’t afford to ADD to my diet.

I am still drinking protein shakes however I would like to do a few days of JUST shakes and a healthy meal at night – or even eat midday and save the shake for PM.

I’ve been getting on the scale however the weight isn’t coming off as quickly as I had hoped which is strange bc I’m doing yoga almost every day. Someone said I may be building muscle which weighs more however I’m not sure that is true. Have I been snacking too much that the scale won’t go down or am I really building muscle this quickly? I do feel some changes in my shape and other people have noticed it too which makes me feel good if my measurements are going down then who cares about the scale? I can’t lie; I care about the number on the scale.

Thank you for all your support.

Peace & Love,

25 to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I am feeling great this AM.  Today was my 5th Bikram class in a row AND 2 of them have been at 6:30AM.  I feel awesome.  So proud of what I have done and so inspired to keep going.  I did sign up for the 30 day challenge and now that today’s practice is complete I only have 25 to go!

I have lost 3 pounds as I have been stepping up my walking (yay FitBit!) and eating more mindfully.  I won’t say eating habits are perfect however they are a far cry from last week’s.  Unhealthy snacking is down although I do indulge once in a while but I’m not gorging myself on sweets.  I’ve been eating a lot of egg whites & veggies.  Doing Bikram every day keeps me motivated to eat better bc belly fat & yoga do not go well.  Many poses require head to straight knee which is still hard for me.




 Locking my knee is also hard and affects my balance however I know this will improve with time.  I figure at the end of my 30 days I should see marked improvement in my practice.  (And maybe I’ll drop a few more pounds!!!)

And, for those interested, I have been taking my pills every day!  Why I don’t do this consistently I have no idea.  I feel so much better on my meds and they do wonders for my determination, eating habits, work ethic & enthusiasm.  (I’m also more agreeable).  

Coffee intake is down, at most I’m have 3 cups a day.  I like to have 2 before yoga so I’m not totally dragging bc 6:30AM is early!!!

I love feeling like I’m on track and falling back scares the crap out of me.  I realize its part of the process but I don’t want it as part of my process and journey.  So, I’m fighting.  I’m fighting to make it to yoga every day, to drink more water, to eat better and to take my meds.  Fighting to finally take control of my own life and doing what needs to be done.  Signing up for a 30 day challenge really gives me something to shoot for and the time is going so quickly that I think 30 days (25 now) will be something I can accomplish – and it feels amaze.  

Peace & Love, 




I Wish I May, I Wish I Might



I love that idea.  As someone who wishes that were true I can honestly say it is.  We just have to remember to eat whats good for us.  We can eat without adding on the calories, sugar & pounds.  Veggies, fruit, fish, lean protein and plenty of water will enable me to do this.  


I’ve been skating on my diet; eating less frequently but not necessarily healthier. I would like to start logging my food again, seeing it on the page is always a good reminder to eat better.  I do have a great app that I use (FatSecret) and I love my FitBit bc it Syncs to my computer and tells me my distance, miles walked, calories burned if you use their website you can log food and water.  I guess between the two of those apps I should have the calories counted to a T.  


I found this ad the other day for a new “breakthrough technology” to help you lose weight.  They assess metabolism, detoxification, fat storage, hormonal balance, appetite and fat burning.  I have done a test to measure my metabolic rate however it did not determine all the other information.  I’m thinking about going.  Its no pre-packaged foods and MD supervised.  They advertise 20-40 pounds lost in 40 days.  Maybe its the boost I need.  Its just a thought, no appointments set up yet.  


  • Can I do it alone? Yes!  
  • Is it easy? Noooo!  
  • Is anything easy? No.  
  • Does anything taste as good as thin feels?  Probably not

I realize climbing back up the hill is part of the process but I was loving the success I was previously having but I can’ quite remember how I got there.  I keep doing what I can, when I can but I need to remember to do it more.  Might have to write you all twice a day to keep me going.  


Have a wonderful Sunday!

Peace & Love, 


Spring has Sprung!


It feels so good to write that.  What a tough winter we’ve had – it totally killed my motivation to exercise & go outside bc its been beyond cold here.

But today at 12:58PM Spring will officially begin and we can officially start defrosting. 

Yesterday I didn’t write however it was a busy day.  Wednesdays are usually my biggest walking days where I log the most miles on my FitBit.  In addition to my normal activities I decided to walk to work yesterday morning –  I walked briskly and was awarded a badge yesterday for 250 Lifetime Miles on my FitBit.  That doesn’t seem like very much considering I live in the city but, it has been cold so I’ve been wimping out and taking the bus for the last few months. 

The walk to work is a good one – its about 15 blocks which is almost 1 mile.  If I add that to my healthy eating and yoga routine it could be a big boost. Walking home is another great way to get a few more steps in and reach my goal even faster.  


Discipline weighs ounces, regret weighs tons.  ~Author Unknown


Water is also something to get back to.  I’m trying to break the coffee habit and for those of you who don’t know, this past winter I was drinking a pot of coffee in the morning.  By 11-12 it would be gone! (I get up early). I have now cut down and have only been drinking 2-3 cups a day.  I am feeling low energy come 4-5PM and I’m trying to eliminate naps but sometimes you just need to sleep.   Hopefully the reduction in coffee and the addition of more water will boost my energy up so I no longer need a nap.

Working from home today but I will be taking a walk later in the beautiful start to spring.  You should too. 


Peace & Love, 


I Made It!


Good morning all!

My apologies for my extended absence. Guess I had a rough go, I fell off my program and lost sight of what I truly want in this world.

I am easily discouraged and I guess coupled with the idea of not feeling well its been hard to get back on track.  No matter how hard I tried I could not sum up that internal motivation however  . . . its back, I’m back, but most of all of YOU are back reading my blog and giving me the support I have been needing.  I didn’t want to take a break from my blog but its hard to write to you all while feeling so negative.  Who wants to read that for days at a time while I recover?  Perhaps I would have bounced back sooner by writing but my focus was so blurred that I couldn’t thing of anything positive to say.  I will try to continue to write daily for it does help a tremendous amount.  Reading my own words and promises on this page gives me something to think about during the day and has actually changed my food choices and mentality.

Lately I haven’t done too badly.  I’ve been back to yoga and although I did gain a few pounds back on my “break” I’ve lost most of them and I’m only 3 pounds more than I was when I last wrote.  That makes me feel good and mainly, puts me in the right frame of mind to continue this journey.  

Falling off is such a hard thing to recover from.  Its discouraging and difficult to manage my emotions along with the idea of disappointment. But enough of the negative, this is an important time to be positive and I’ve realized that climbing that mountain again is part of the process. 

While I hope not to, I have to face that I might lose my focus again.  And again it will be difficult to regain that dedication and drive but as long as I can muddle through and push it will be easier.

“If you want things to CHANGE, you have to be willing to be UNCOMFORTABLE”.

Not sure who said it but its true.  I was uncomfortable on my break both mentally and physically.  Fighting with myself to get back to what I need to accomplish.  Sometimes the brain and the body don’t communicate so well however with SELF CARE and a little HARD WORK you can overcome it. 

I am ready to overcome and make things right.

Thank you all again for reading.  Now I need to get back to whats important in this world which is staying on track and seeing this journey through.  

Peace & Love,




How to Follow Me

Many of you have asked how to follow my blog and I’ve been telling you wrong information.

At the bottom right hand corner of the page you will see a “Follow” tab. Simply click, enter your email and voila – you’re done!

Get Back on the Bike



Getting back on track has not been so easy.  I haven’t been as mindful of my eating and exercise.

Even as I write this post I find it hard to inspire myself with photos, quotes or my own thoughts.  But I am not giving up.  I’m going to finish what I started and be successful.  I had a minor setback that can be easily repaired with some old fashioned hard work.  

I DID get on the scale but not sure how accurate it was bc I had not weighed myself under normal circumstances.  However accurate or not I was not happy.  

I have not dedicated myself to protein shakes only but I think the time has come.  I had a pair of jeans on yesterday that I haven’t worn in a while the they were TIGHT!  Uncomfortably tight.  I don’t want to wear clothes like that, they are a constant reminder that I have to do more.  

This journey must be my passion, my obsession if I plan on succeeding which I totally do.  

So, here comes more hard work.  Here comes a little more sacrifice.  Here comes a little more determination.  

Starting my day with a protein shake which needs to go back in the Ninja bc its super icy.  Starting to think of how I will have protein shakes next week in CA (8 more days!) however I’m thinking there will be a juice bar or some shit like that out there. (sorry for cursing Mom). 


Fall down 7 times, stand up 8.


I have fallen but its time to get up.  



Well, I did it.  I fell off the wagon.  Happened Superbowl Sunday and continued from there. I am so disappointed with myself.  Its like I lost all control.  That is why I can’t allow myself cheat days because I don’t stop at one day.  I get the cheat food in my system and I continue to crave those cheat foods.  


I won’t go in to detail as to what I did but let’s just say it was NOT good.  I knew the whole time it was not the plan I had set forth and that I was sabotaging myself but it was a passing thought that was overpowered by my desire for sugar.  Man, sugar is so addictive.

I did have a few days of feeling blue and I know this contributed to the problem too.  But, I am not perfect and so far through this journey I have decided NOT to be so hard on myself.  I’m going to mess up.  I realize that however I was not prepared for a 4 day binge.  The fact that I allowed myself to continue and didn’t get a handle on it sooner it was is most disappointing to me. But, as I said I have to understand that this is a journey to not only lose weight but to understand myself and permanently change my habits.

So, as the saying goes,


I started this AM with a protein shake and today I will TRY to have 2-3 protein shakes and then a healthy dinner.  Haven’t been to yoga and I know the few days I have missed will make it harder to go back but I have to.  And even if the progress I have made in my poses is lost I know I will get it back.  

I’m not sure how much weight I gained back as I haven’t gotten on the scale but I think consuming protein shakes for the next few days will catch me up.  Probably won’t weigh myself for quite a few days bc I don’t want to watch the scale go back up so when I feel I have undone the damage I did is when I’ll get on.

Bought some new protein powder yesterday.  It is a Whey Protein and contains 18 grams of protein, 100 calories and includes some vitamin D and B.  All good things.  I made it this AM with pineapple orange juice and it tastes delicious.  I realize that using juice is adding calories & sugars that I don’t need but its only 8 ounces and I will only make it that way occasionally.  

Moral of the story is get back on the wagon.  I haven’t undone ALL the progress I have made and I know I can get back to where I need to be and then some.  Its like falling out of a yoga pose, you have to get right back in it.  I suppose that is what a journey is all about.  Forgiving your own mistakes and giving yourself the allowance and opportunity to get back on track.  

I will remember my 4 cheat days and I will reflect on the feeling of disappointment and sabotage when I am tempted to do so again.  It was a terrible feeling that I don’t wish to repeat.  I’ve made a life changing decision and I am determined to see it through.  



Peace & Love, 




It’s Like Magic!!!

Another 2 pounds!
I guess what they say is true that once you get in this fat burning zone the weight just comes off.

Not such a great week as I only made it to yoga once (bad Alyssa) but my eating is on track and I am so encouraged by this 2 pound weight loss. It hasn’t been easy by any means but I have to admit it hasn’t been impossible either. Its all about balance and keeping your goals in sight. I think I have surrendered my desire for sweets and fatty, processed foods and I’m doing my best to keep it light. Unintentionally this week, I have eaten a large lunch and been held over for dinner which I know is not good ALL the time but let’s face it, I can afford to skip a meal here and there.

At this rate I will definitely lose 20 pounds by the time I leave for California. (I’m up to 12 total) and I have been looking in to activities to do in my time there and believe it or not I am looking forward to doing some yoga, bike riding, hiking and maybe even trying a water sport (although its probably too cold and I feel no need to wear a wetsuit; I have always wanted to try kitesurfing tho!)

My personal life has been hectic this week which is why I haven’t posted too much but look for new posts this week. I’m going for 3 more pounds by Friday so I can scream 15 from the rooftops.

As the scale continues to go down I can imagine myself at a lower weight and fitting in to smaller clothes and it feels really good. I never thought the scale would go down. I thought I was destined to be this way forever however I am pushing past that thought and believing in myself. I can look like my former self although I am going for thinner than that. If only I could turn the clock back and be younger too.

So my former mantra rings true:

BABY STEPS ARE STILL STEPS (Brilliant) as I have baby stepped my way to 12 pounds. Go me! I can do this. I can be a happier, healthier me. I can accomplish my goals. Losing weight is not for ‘other people’ its for me too!

Hooray! thanks for reading and loving!

Peace & Love,